About Calf

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Many times i get asked about calf, who we are and how it all began….
So here it is in a short version….I could literally write a book about calf and my life as it truly is a roller coaster ride of mixed emotions…

A spiritual journey to the light

In 2008 my much loved father died, it was one of the worst if not the worst day of my life….He had suffered a stroke and with very little help or knowledge from the medical profession on how to lower his cholesterol levels it was only months later that dad died of a suspected heart attack…

At that point in life i felt totally lost, life without my dad seemed unthinkable and i felt so alone and totally lost without him as he had always been my crutch in times of need….I started to see things which baffled me and i was bombarded by the number 33 and especially 333 ( of which i won’t go into in full detail here as that experience in itself is a book )
For a good few months i felt like i was going insane and i truly started to question my own life and my purpose.

At this point in life myself and my daughter had built a very good business in the ravewear/dancewear scene and we worked flat out to keep up with the demand….Yet it meant nothing, the money felt pointless and i began to lose the will to keep going as i felt like i was just existing

One day i asked myself
“If i died tomorrow, who would know, who would really care, would i move on from this journey feeling fulfilled, what was the purpose of my existence ?”

and  the answer to my own question was “No one would really care, bar close family and that i could find NO reason or purpose for my life other than to bring two lovely children into the world” and to me that was not enough.

I felt like i was missing something (at this point i stop writing ..the word count shows 333 and i know i am being guided again )

I was a vegetarian of 13 years, i had a very good business a lovely grown up daughter and a newborn baby……Yet i felt there was a huge void in my life

Then one day, i was sat at my computer doing business work when i clicked a PETA link by accident and a video came on with Pamela Anderson talking about KFC chickens and i saw a few seconds of the slaughter process….
I burst into tears , even though i was a veggy i still did not want to see the cruelty, at that point in life i felt that being veggy was enough. Yet that day, that image moved me to the next stage of my journey

I rushed fast to find the STOP button, but the images would not leave my thoughts.

I started to look into farming and meat, in my heart i knew that there was something that i could do here to help, to be part of…..Little did i know what was in store or how my life was about to totally shift in both lifestyle and consciousness

My partner came home from work…He could tell i was upset and asked what was wrong..

“I don’t want to do this anymore, i need to find me, i need a reason to live, i feel empty. i need a purpose to exist that does not involve the self” was my reply

Thankfully warren as much as he did not really understand what i meant, was prepared to support me even though he could of taken my words the wrong way….

I no longer wanted to be part of the rat race….Possessions, holidays, cars etc did not thrill me

“I want to move into the countryside, i want peace”

This came as quite a shock as i had all my life been a towny, always run businesses that involved jo public…..Yet i wanted out

I went through huge trauma as i tried to buy a small holding, i spent hour upon hour doing business plans and cash flow forecasts …i had gone over night from a fashion designer with a successful design/manufacture business to a woman with no knowledge or experience in the field i wanted to enter…

I found the (what i thought) was the dream farm ….and i approached my bank…I was told no ….i was not used to the word no as i had by now acquired a few properties from sheer hard work and a strong will….Yet times were changing and lending money was just about to change.

After much frustration i found my old bank manager by chance, he knew me well and knew i was a worker and he had faith in me….I impressed him with my cash flow and business plan and he agreed to lend me the money i needed ….

The valuation was done and i was so excited until the report came in….

My dream farm….it had only 6 acres but was my dream farm, it had enough land for me to make a start on saving lives….It had barns that i could convert into a cafe …a space for petting areas that i could raise awareness…I had so many plans

But the valuation report crushed my dreams as they found issues with the roof structure (the present owners had knocked down a wall which i found out later was a load baring wall)

The deal fell through and eventually the dream farm was demolished

But so were my hopes of ever getting my dream farm….As not long after the market crashed and lending money, no matter what equity you had became impossible

My roller coaster ride with true meaning had begun

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After dusting myself off, as i hate failure and defeat…i picked myself back up….

Ok so i can not buy a place as its not within my means….

So we started to look to rent

We found a lovely place (little did we know the background to the place)  and we were given the green light as suitable tenants by the lords and ladies that owned the small holding….

My new journey towards the light had started….

It was a smallholding of only a couple of acres but it was a start….In the middle of nowhere, surrounded by fields it looked perfect and i guess to a certain extent it is, but there are big issues with living here, but i have learnt to cope with the issues as they have taught me a lot and helped make me into the person that i am today.

Not long after we had moved in to the farmhouse….A herd of cows appeared in the field right next to our home….I felt gutted…I was a vegetarian, but i hated actually seeing animals that i know are in the food chain industry as i thought there was nothing more that i could do to help them…I never ate them but i thought that was enough…Often driving through the country i would cover my eyes if we passed a field of cows as it troubled me so much…

NOW i had them literally in my garden

I could no longer look away as they would stand curiously looking at me from the cattle grid….I found myself drawn to them and felt so sad when i visited them, they looked so afraid…..I had never been close to a cow, let alone made eye contact with one…

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I would stand in the field and not look at them, if i made eye contact they would be afraid, if i pretended not to look they would crowd me, so curious as to who/what i was….They would sniff my face, lick my hand……

I fell in love, but with the new found love came such total and utter sadness

I did not know if they were male or female….I could see no udders, yet i could see no testicles either….I felt silly that i did not know if they were boys or girls….

I started to research and what i discovered truly broke my heart…

I thought ALL cows gave milk….I presumed that they ate grass and milk came from chewing the cud…..OMG how could i of been so stupid….

I grieved for 3 weeks  as i uncovered the dairy industry truth….Such a lie had been painted around the multi million pound dairy industry that i felt so hurt and angry with myself that i had played a big part in the destruction of such beauty all for a drink of milk, or a lump of cheese…

I turned vegan overnight thanks to being able to see for the first time in my life…

I was very scared yet also excited, for the first time in my life i knew there was a POINT, A PURPOSE that was not about me…I wanted to help these beings….they needed me…They LOVED my visits and they became my friends

When i took storm in, they loved her it was as though they knew she was a little person just like them and they could relate to her

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